I am not a big fan of change.

People who know me well understand that this is an almost inherent part of my being. It's Katie 101. 

For example: 

I don't want to grow up.

I don't want people to move away.

I don't want my favorite places in Columbia go out of business.

And, for the love of all that is holy, I do not want my mother to buy a new Christmas tree. 

Things are fine just the way they are, goshdarnit. 

I am not a big fan of people, either.

Alright, that's not entirely true--I love meeting people and hearing their stories and building relationships with them. I may be bad at showing it, but I love my friends and family more than anything in the world. I truly believe that ordinary people can be the most fascinating. People are actually kind of wonderful that way. 

What I hate is forced, awkward small talk. I hate being the center of attention in an unexpected way. I hate being in a big crowd and not knowing who to talk to. I hate marching up to someone I see on the street and saying hello. I'm friendly enough, but that doesn't mean I think the situation is ideal. 

As you can see, I am a blast at parties. 

How in the world did I end up on an evangelical mission trip? 

I really don't know. Ask Jesus. I don't think he feels as socially awkward as I do (But don't quote me on that. I'm trying to be funny, okay?). 

On Thursday, we will begin to travel across the country. I will be leaving this Spanish town I have grown to love and this house that I have called home. I will be staying in the homes of people I have never met in my life. I will literally be walking up to people I see on the street so I can tell them about Jesus.

It's all very exciting, but it's also very nerve-wracking. I simply do not know what to expect or how I will handle the next four weeks.

I mean, what if I mess up? What if I offend someone? What if I freeze when people challenge my beliefs? What if my Spanish doesn't improve?

What if, what if, what if. Again and again and again.

This is not limited to my experience in Spain. This is how I live a good 98% of my life. God gave me a beautiful, hyperactive imagination, but in my brokenness, it twists into something ugly: worry.

Sure, I've been worried about the immediate future, but I've also been worried about what waits for me back home. The life of a college graduate doesn't seem so glamorous when you realize that it just involves looking for a Real Job so you can enter the Real World and become an Adult. I worry about plenty of things that I simply cannot fix, and some of those wounds run deep.

God doesn't deal in 'what ifs,' because He wants us to live in the present. He wants us to let go because the things we tend to cling only hinder us from fulfilling our purpose here on Earth--whatever that purpose may be.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

-Matthew 7:34

These next four weeks are going to be crazy....but I'm sure they will be crazy awesome, too. I get to see more of this beautiful country, bond with the people I have met, and try new things. Really, I have no reason to be afraid. God is on my side.

I know that I will have days where I feel small and inadequate, but so did Moses. And Moses was kind of a big deal.

As for my return home?

I still don't have anything figured out.

All I know is that there is beauty in a blank page.

Let the adventure begin.

Almost four weeks ago, I boarded my flight to Spain with only my carry-on bag and a very vague idea of what the next three months of my life would look like.

I hoped I would learn Spanish. I hoped I would meet some amazing people that I could call lifelong friends. I hoped I would grow closer to God. I hoped I would be able to do some good in the world. 

Still, I had a lot of doubts. I was afraid I would be a loner. I was afraid that my boyfriend would dump me for leaving for three months. I was afraid that somehow, I would hate being a missionary and my faith would crumble. 

(This is the part where everyone laughs, because everyone knows I worry about stupid things.) 

My fears sound so ridiculous now. 

This trip has already totally exceeded my expectations--in ways I desperately wished for, and in ways I never even considered. Four weeks doesn't sound like much...and when you consider eternity, it really isn't; to God, four weeks is like a second. 

But God can do incredible things in a second. 

I may be finished with school, but I still feel like a student. And man, is God an awesome teacher. These are my notes from this week...

What Spain Has Taught Me

• God speaks in mysterious, crazy-awesome ways. You can learn about God in the Bible, and feel His presence in prayer or at church, but He is everywhere. He speaks through drawings, even if you feel like you have little to no artistic ability. He can be found here in Narón, where the constant rain gives life and the sun is a promise of a beautiful day. God is certainly magnificent, but He can be found just as easily in the seemingly mundane aspects of life, too. 

• It's okay to be bad at Spanish. Of course, you should do your best to learn a new language, but part of learning is making mistakes. A lot of them. No, I can't can't say everything I'd like to in Spanish...but a simple phrase and a smile can go a long way. I was recently told to not be afraid to say something in Spanish--I should just say it! Most people simply appreciate that you are trying to learn. Love has no language barriers.
  
• I'm a Plant. Not literally. Duh. During one of our workshops this week, we took an assessment to learn about what we can contribute to the team. My score indicated that I was The Plant. Aaaaaaaallrighty then....

Obviously, these kinds of tests usually speak in generalities, but I'd say it's fairly accurate! Except it said I was an introvert, which is just not true (JOKE. THAT WAS A JOKE.). I loved this test because it only confirmed that we each have a purpose on this team. For instance, I probably won't be the one to delegate different tasks or plan an entire event because I kind of suck at that kind of thing. God wasn't being mean when he didn't give me those skills or talents--He just has something else in mind. 

• The Old Testament is just as important as the New Testament. This sounds fairly obvious, but let me explain: most people would agree that many parts of the Old Testament are difficult to read. There are so many genealogies and laws to get through, names that are really hard to remember and pronounce, and destruction that seems so pointless. None of that is very fun to read. The Old Testament frustrates me because I read it and think, "God, I love You, but sometimes, I just don't get You." And when I don't understand God, my inner skeptic takes over. I always seem to make a distinction between the Old Testament God and the New Testament Jesus. However, Jesus said the Old Testament points to him. It's not the easiest text to study, but it is crucial to my faith...and the more I study and try to learn, the more I will hear God's voice. 

• Loss is not the end. I never expected to lose a family member while I was on a mission trip. Especially not Kory. I've said before that his death does not mean we stopped loving him; his death also does not mean he is not with us. With every dime we find, every tattoo we get, and every drink in his honor, we feel Kory's presence. His death still hurts. I'm not trying to say it doesn't--but I think that our love for him is stronger. 

• Eve is a lot cooler than you think. Every Wednesday, we have 'girl time' at Eli's house. Yes, we eat a lot of chocolate and drink a lot of coffee together. It's awesome. Even more awesome is what I learned this week about why God created women. Contrary to popular belief,  Eve was not meant to be Adam's useless sidekick. Food for thought. Women rule. 

See why I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted?!

And this is only the first four weeks! And it's not even everything I've been thinking about! Honestly, I think that would take ages. My brain can be a weird place.

As always, thank you all for your support, your kind words, and your love. I wouldn't be able to do this without you.

Dios te ama.